pray. - Exposing Me

Monday night I attended a meeting put together by Speaking Down Barriers. Speaking Down Barriers is a non-profit organization and their vision is, "Our vision is of a world where all people are confronting and healing the wounds of difference, including race, gender, class, religion, national identity, and sexual orientation. Rather than our differences be a source of division, they are a source of our collective strength." With all the hate, toward every group of people, in our present day society, I've been trying to figure out a way to heal my heart and find my purpose in midst of chaos. So, I started with small baby steps like passing out happy notes downtown and attending meetings such as the one I attended Monday night. These two small actions have made a huge impact on my heart and in my thinking.

During this meeting, the conversations ran deep. They were meaningful and honest yet respectful. Two statements have been cemented into my mind, and on my drive back to Greenville from Spartanburg, I realized some harsh truths about myself.

The first statement was made by an elderly man who suffers from PTSD. He said, "Maybe, we're all living with PTSD. Maybe, these events have caused all of us to live with PTSD." Think about it. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation; fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. How many of you can say, yes, I've felt this fear? So, you're natural reaction is to become defensive and to protect your actions, words, and opinions. We're all guilty of it.

The second statement was made by a young man, and he said, "To start change don't be afraid to expose yourself. Put it on Facebook that you've been here tonight. Talk to people about it. Expose yourself a little more." I'm a private person. I don't like exposing myself. I hate confrontation. But, I also realized in order to break old habits and negative cycles I have to find the courage to expose myself, the good and the ugly.

So, here I am. Exposing myself in this blog. Some may unintentionally or intentionally start to view me differently. Some may get angry with me, because while I expose myself, I may be exposing you too. But, this is a conversation that needs to be had. It's a feeling inside of me that I need to release.

During my college days at USC Upstate, I met a guy (years before meeting my husband). We met at the apartments I lived in. Everyone was doing their college thing and partying, including me, and we had a good time. After the party, this guy and I started hanging out more and more. We became very close friends. I called him my brother. Over the course of two years, he became special to me. It was unlike any other relationship I had ever had. We were close. Eventually, feelings started to develop. He was honest with me. He even told me he loved me. Deep down, I had feelings for him too. I cared about him. But, I denied those feelings. He was my "brother" and that's all - I repeated this statement to myself over and over again until I convinced my heart and mind of it. Now, I look back and realize I definitely loved him. He was my best friend. Someone I could always count on. He made me feel worthy of love. He made me feel safe. Maybe, I didn't just love him. Maybe, I was in love with him. I wasn't honest with myself, and in turn, I hurt him, and I lost him. We are no longer in contact. And, in all honesty, maybe it's best. I'm a happily married woman now.

Now, I do believe had I been honest and opened up to this romantic relationship that it may have lasted some time, but it wouldn't have lasted a lifetime. I know that because God led me to my husband, and I couldn't imagine living and loving life with anyone else by my side. So, please do not mistake this as me regretting how life turned out. I'm thrilled with how life turned out for me. What I'm regretting and not thrilled about is why I chose to lie to myself back then.

I lied to myself about my feelings for this young man, because he was black. Though, I didn't mind he was black - my family and society did. I remember going to the movies with him one night and catching a middle aged white couple gawking at us and whispering (not so quietly) nasty things about us. I remember going with him to his birthday celebration at a restaurant in Greenville and feeling uncomfortable, because I was the only white person in attendance. I remember everyone being loud and having a good time and feeling like I needed to slouch down in my chair and be less visible. I remember his friend saying, "Why are you trying to hide? Are you embarrassed to be with a group of black people having a good time? Your white friends were loud when we went out for your birthday." I remember thinking, "Wow. How rude of him to say that to me. Of course, I'm not embarrassed." The regret and shame enters here.

I was embarrassed. I didn't like feeling uncomfortable. I didn't appreciate being the 'outcast.' I hated the way other white people stared at me when I was with him. I hated that family members would make comments like, "He's really cool. I like him, but he's black. I don't think you should date a black guy." I've always taken pride in being independent and doing what I felt was right even if it wasn't what the majority was doing. But, on my drive from Spartanburg Monday night, I realized how much of a coward I was.

I lied to myself about my own feelings for another human being, whom I cared about, because of the color of his skin. I hurt him, because of the color of his skin. That makes me no different from any other white person spewing prejudice and racist comments from their mouth. I allowed feelings of the heart to become a race thing, and I am so ashamed of myself. I felt uncomfortable in a few situations in life with him, but he probably felt uncomfortable in life as a black male (and even more so in the south). He had to live in discomfort. One time, we went to a club. My friends and I were not dressed to code, but they allowed us in. He was dressed to code and was denied. He said it was because he was black. I was ignorant and tried convincing him otherwise. The brutal truth, he was denied because he was black. We've made progress but not enough and not nearly as much as my white mind thought we had.

I've grown a lot as a person since college. I've traveled and have loved meeting diverse people and learning about their culture. I see how strong spirited other cultures are, and it brings tears to my eyes. We all have so much to contribute to the world, but we're hell bent on blaming each other for the problems we face. We are all at fault. We are all cowards. Just because I believe Black Lives Matter doesn't mean I disregard the importance of ALL OTHER LIVES. We all matter - black, white, gay, transgender, male, female, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, on and on and on. I'm NOT God, the Son, or the Holy Spirit. I'm HUMAN. I make mistakes. I judge others. I am selfish. I am NOT perfect. I have flaws. I am a sinner. And, so are you.

I'm not going to be quiet any longer and be a spectator in this war. I'm going to fight. I'm going to engage in conversations. I'm going to respect differences of opinions and welcome new ideas. Just because we do not agree doesn't mean we are against each other.

To those in my life whom I have hurt, I am sorry. Again, these are my feelings and opinions. You may choose to disagree, and I am ok with that. I'm still going to respect you, and maybe one day, we can have a calm and respectful conversation. I do not love you any less for any disagreements we may have.

In my heart the bottom line is this, we are all humans with a beating heart breathing the same air into our lungs. From this day forward, I choose to act humanely. What do you choose?

I pray for understanding. I pray for love. I pray for the courage to love those whom I do not understand or even like. I pray for unity. I pray for peace.

Resources to get started:
www.speakingdownbarriers.org
www.jumpstartvision.org
www.m4bl.org
www.meltingpotfestival.com