teach. pray. - A Reason and a Season

What a whirlwind life has been lately. So many thoughts and ideas are just backstroking in my mind. I've debated which one needs to be written about first, and I've decided to write about the one that keeps swimming to the forefront.

Back in August, I signed up for an online class put together by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love. I've got one or two more lessons to do, but the last lesson I completed was the start of this crazy perpetual movement in my life. It was back in January and the going was beyond rough. My stress level was the through the roof with my health and my job. I was depressed and unhappy. I really didn't like where I was in life and felt this deep rooted yearning for change. The problem was - the change I salivated for filled my heart with guilt. Deep deep down, I knew the change had to come with my job. My job was causing 75% of my stress, and I didn't know how to handle it anymore. It felt like any day I would have a breakdown or lash out, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. Waking up for work was dreadful. I couldn't sleep for nightmares about work or for waking up in the middle of the night remembering something I needed to do the next day. Anger permeated my heart, mind, and body as well. I had been holding onto a conversation from October, and I just felt helpless, useless, like I had no voice. I didn't know what to do about this rage. I felt stretched too thin. I noticed I couldn't remember things or talk straight when I got home. It was just bad, and I felt guilty.

I felt guilty because teaching is an incredible job. It changes lives. I felt guilty because I love my students and believed in them. It hurt to think about leaving them. I felt guilty because my coworkers are truly a blessing. It hurt to want to leave a family. I felt guilty because I was seriously on the verge of giving up. It hurt because I teach my kids to persevere when things get challenging. I felt guilty because I wanted to prove a point to certain people. I felt guilty because my motives were selfish. I wanted freedom to have an hour lunch break where I could go outside and run or run home to check on my dogs. I wanted freedom to leave my work at work. I wanted to have the time to exercise before work or to sleep past 5:30 a.m. I wanted flexibility to work from home or to take time off whenever I wanted. What on Earth was I going to do about all of this?

One Saturday afternoon in January, I had this calling to do another lesson in my class. So, I logged on. This lesson revolved around a letter that was written to Elizabeth Gilbert from a teacher. This teacher felt restricted and stressed but was fearful of leaving the classroom and making the leap into her dreams. The teacher who wrote this letter sounded a lot like me. She was torn. Then, Liz Gilbert responded. She talked about fear.

There is no gratefulness inside us to our fear...Fear gets to stay in the room, but it doesn't get to make the decisions-let your fears have a voice but do not let them have control...Perfectionism is only fear.

Somewhere in the midst of all that Liz Gilbert sprinkled in an idea about having a fear chair in the classroom. I should've known then my days as a teacher weren't up, because I got SUPER excited about that idea.

A few more minutes went on, then her words aroused some serious emotions.

There is a reason and a season for everything you do in your life. There very well may have been a reason and a season for you to have done your teaching...It's OK if that reason and season is over.

I played this part over and over again. The more I heard those words the more emotional I got. I was certain this was a sign from the universe. I was going to quit teaching.

I remembered a conversation I had with my principal in December. I had told her I couldn't do it again next year. I had told her I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be, but there was something inside me wanting to do more. Maybe this meant quitting my job and pursuing something else. Maybe it meant going back to school and working on a Ph.D. (tuition cost quickly changed my mind there). Maybe it meant leaving public education. I didn't know what it was, but I couldn't keep on my current path. I was exhausted. I was lost. I had given up.

A few weeks past, and my mind never stopped. It's OK if that reason and season is over. It ran through my brain nonstop. So, one night, I sat down and reflected. What about my job is holding me back? What about my job is making me so miserable? I made a list of cons. It looked something like this:

• IEP paperwork
• IEP meetings
• Caseload is too big
• Not enough planning time
• Not enough time to write IEPs
• Schedule changes every couple of months
• IEP paperwork
• IEP meetings
• Creativity restricted

The pros looked something like this:

• The kids
• My coworkers
• Planning fun lessons
• Watching the kids learn through fun lessons
• Never a dull moment
• Fast paced
• Smiling faces/laughter
• Hugs
• Genuine kindness 

If you look at those lists, it's obvious what was holding me back. As much as I love teaching special education, the system had broken me. I was even more enraged that I had let the system break me. But, there was a possible solution.

I made a proposal to my principal. Give me a chance in a general education classroom. I'll take all the IEP kids. Yep, sounds crazy. But, all I kept thinking was, I will be crazy if I keep doing this. It's OK if that reason and season is over.

Luckily, my principal considered my proposal. Luckily, she believes in me enough to give me a chance. Luckily, she had an opening for me. Luckily, she offered me a general education classroom position. And, I took it. And, I felt 100% at peace with the decision. So, yes, my reason and season as a resource teacher is over, but now a new season is upon us, and I'm totally stoked. Fifth grade ELA. Team teaching with a friend. Having IEP kids in my classes. NO. MORE. WRITING. IEPS. The best of both worlds. There will be difficult and challenging days. There will be days I'll question my decision. There will be days I'll feel like I'm failing. I will not be the perfect ELA teacher. But, perfectionism is only fear. 

After being offered the new position and accepting it, I received an email a few days later that solidified God's work and the Universe's plan for me. I can't share that news yet, but I wouldn't have the opportunity had I decided to leave teaching and my current school district. I was meant to find PES. I was meant to be here. God had a plan three years ago when I made the phone call to accept a position at a private school. They didn't answer, and as soon as I hung up, my phone rang. There was a very convincing voice on the other side, and I decided to become part of the PES family.

Today, I have a new outlook. My shoulder's are a little less tight. I don't force my smiles anymore. I take one IEP at a time - one day at a time - telling myself this time next year things will be different.

2017 seems to be a year of change not only for me but for my husband as well...but that's another blog post. 

#reflectonlife  #whentheuniversealigns  #godswork