run. pray. - Silence Really is Golden
On May 20th, I was basking in the rays and enjoying my first trip to the beach in over a year. I pulled out my journal and started writing as everyone around me was oiled up, playing in the sand and water, and drinking really cold drinks. I was literally the only person on the beach with a journal and a pen. It felt pretty amazing.
It was the end of a very long stressful work week. I needed some down time, but I really missed Matt. Other than that, it was a perfect trip with my mom and sister.
My mom picked me up around 2:00 on Friday, and we hit the road the Tybee Island. I had a book in hand and got a little reading done on the way. But, I guess some people aren't comfortable with silence, so there was a lot of random talking and questioning going on. So, I just put my book away and went with it.
When we arrived to Tybee, the pirate parade had just ended and everyone was out and about for Beach Bum - lots of drunk people were out and about. Lots of drunk 20 somethings were out and about. (No judgments here-been there, done that.) The evening was full of entertainment to say the least - and noise. We saw several people get arrested and one even got tased like ten times. It was the craziest sight to watch - ten-ish cops chasing down someone on the beach. It started with us just sitting on our hotel balcony when we saw random guys running in flip flops around the building. There were like six of them. We were wondering what in the world they were doing. About then several police cars rush around the corner. Then we see flashlights all over the beach and hear yelling. We hear them running in the dunes and see them knock in the fence. Then, gunshots were heard - but not really. It was really taser guns. The officers drag the guy out of the dunes and shortly after an ambulance arrives. About an hour prior to this chaos, we were eating dinner and had ringside seats to a fight. Two drunk guys yelling obscenities at another guy who appeared sober. It got out of hand real fast. Needless to say, it was an eventful night of people watching and noise.
We went to bed around 2 a.m. and I managed to get my butt out of bed at 6:30 a.m. for a really hot and humid run. I've been trying to do more things that make me uncomfortable. You know, stepping outside my comfort zone more often. It was incredibly humid and a half a mile in I was melting. Drops of fat just dripping from my elbows and hitting my legs with every stride. I didn't want to turn back this early in the run, but I really had to find a way to cool down. I had forgotten my water at the hotel. So, I decided to go way, way outside my comfort zone. I stripped off my tank top and ran in my sports bra. HOLY MOLY - instantly my core dropped at least ten degrees. Feeling the breeze on my sweaty skin was enough to make me not give two shits about what I looked like. It was incredibly freeing - stomach rolls flapping and all. When I finished my run on the beach, I sat down in the sand, took my shoes off, and just took it all in - in my running shorts and sports bra. No cares given surrounded only by the noise of the waves crashing.
Will I ever do that again? Run in my sports bra? Maybe, maybe not. But, it seemed right at the time, and I'm so glad I did it. And guess what? No one died at the sight of it - and neither did I. The world didn't stop turning or tilt on its axis. Everyone kept moving on in life just as they would have had I been wearing a shirt. Who knew, right?
What I learned from my shirtless run was no one really cares what I look like running in my sports bra. They are all focused on their own life and their own problems. They don't have time to worry about my insecurities in a sports bra. Also, why the hell am I worried about what they think anyway? I'm out running and keeping myself healthy & ultimately that's all that matters.
When I got back to the hotel, we hit up The Breakfast Club for the best breakfast you'll have on the island or even in Savannah. I indulged - inputting every single calorie I had just burned - and fancied every single crumb and moment. Then, we hit the beach. Full belly and all, I wore a two piece swimsuit and didn't try to situate myself to hide my stomach. The first time in nearly ten years I laid on the beach in a two piece bathing suit that wasn't a tankini. My entire stomach was showing.
Maybe I just care less because I'm older. Maybe being married to a man who makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the room - always - has changed how I see myself. Maybe running and working out has made me more confident. Maybe that's the reward of shutting off my mouth and brain and letting the present moments play out. Maybe it's the reward of waking my ass up and living. Whatever it is or was - I welcome it with wide open arms.
As I laid carelessly in my swimsuit, once again I pulled out my book. Every couple pages, I'd hear a voice talking to me. It was my mom. She was being social and wanted to talk to her daughter. And, I wanted to talk to her, but I was really into this book. Flashback to the drive down-always chatterings. Never silence. I started to get very perturbed and wondered why we couldn't just be - in silence. As I started working up my Alley temper, I took a moment. I had to be grateful for this moment. My mom had paid for a trip to the beach for my birthday. She loves me. She wants to socialize and be part of my life. The least I can do is participate in the conversation. So, again, I closed my book and talked - about nothing really. Nothing pressing or important just space filling conversation.
Later, as I was sitting in silence, alone at night on our hotel balcony, I started thinking about all this noisy space. Why was there so much noise happening around me? Why do most people feel they need to fill every silent moment? Why are most people so awkward in silence? Why do I sometimes feel awkward in silence?
Fear! God forsaken FEAR! That's why. When there's silence around you, you're thoughts can become deafening. So deafening, you'll do anything to silence them. What silences your thoughts? Talking. People are awkward in silence, because then they must listen to their thoughts. And, if we sit in silence long enough, and listen long enough, deep rooted thoughts start to surface - and they aren't always fun. Many of us are simply afraid of our own inner beings, and we'd rather talk through life than think and feel through it. Why? FEAR!
Living is so f***ing scary. It takes courage and bravery. Fear will try to take you down. Yet, fear is needed to keep us safe. However, fear prevents us from taking risks - from taking leaps of faith - from sitting in silence and working ourselves out. If we let it, fear will prevent us from really living. And, y'all, living is pretty darn spectacular.
Silence - do not fear it. By all means, welcome it. Face it head on. Embrace it. Find a way to be ok with it. Once a week, I run without headphones, without a friend, and with my thoughts in silence. Running has helped me get to know myself in a way I never thought possible. It's the silence of the world around me that helps me feel my own thoughts. Life will come alive like never before. Don't live in noise. Don't live in fear. Run alongside it, grab its hand, become friends with it. Friends, as we all know, sweeten life - naturally.
I pray you learn to embrace silence, run with your fear, and tackle the world.
It was the end of a very long stressful work week. I needed some down time, but I really missed Matt. Other than that, it was a perfect trip with my mom and sister.
My mom picked me up around 2:00 on Friday, and we hit the road the Tybee Island. I had a book in hand and got a little reading done on the way. But, I guess some people aren't comfortable with silence, so there was a lot of random talking and questioning going on. So, I just put my book away and went with it.
When we arrived to Tybee, the pirate parade had just ended and everyone was out and about for Beach Bum - lots of drunk people were out and about. Lots of drunk 20 somethings were out and about. (No judgments here-been there, done that.) The evening was full of entertainment to say the least - and noise. We saw several people get arrested and one even got tased like ten times. It was the craziest sight to watch - ten-ish cops chasing down someone on the beach. It started with us just sitting on our hotel balcony when we saw random guys running in flip flops around the building. There were like six of them. We were wondering what in the world they were doing. About then several police cars rush around the corner. Then we see flashlights all over the beach and hear yelling. We hear them running in the dunes and see them knock in the fence. Then, gunshots were heard - but not really. It was really taser guns. The officers drag the guy out of the dunes and shortly after an ambulance arrives. About an hour prior to this chaos, we were eating dinner and had ringside seats to a fight. Two drunk guys yelling obscenities at another guy who appeared sober. It got out of hand real fast. Needless to say, it was an eventful night of people watching and noise.
We went to bed around 2 a.m. and I managed to get my butt out of bed at 6:30 a.m. for a really hot and humid run. I've been trying to do more things that make me uncomfortable. You know, stepping outside my comfort zone more often. It was incredibly humid and a half a mile in I was melting. Drops of fat just dripping from my elbows and hitting my legs with every stride. I didn't want to turn back this early in the run, but I really had to find a way to cool down. I had forgotten my water at the hotel. So, I decided to go way, way outside my comfort zone. I stripped off my tank top and ran in my sports bra. HOLY MOLY - instantly my core dropped at least ten degrees. Feeling the breeze on my sweaty skin was enough to make me not give two shits about what I looked like. It was incredibly freeing - stomach rolls flapping and all. When I finished my run on the beach, I sat down in the sand, took my shoes off, and just took it all in - in my running shorts and sports bra. No cares given surrounded only by the noise of the waves crashing.
Will I ever do that again? Run in my sports bra? Maybe, maybe not. But, it seemed right at the time, and I'm so glad I did it. And guess what? No one died at the sight of it - and neither did I. The world didn't stop turning or tilt on its axis. Everyone kept moving on in life just as they would have had I been wearing a shirt. Who knew, right?
What I learned from my shirtless run was no one really cares what I look like running in my sports bra. They are all focused on their own life and their own problems. They don't have time to worry about my insecurities in a sports bra. Also, why the hell am I worried about what they think anyway? I'm out running and keeping myself healthy & ultimately that's all that matters.
When I got back to the hotel, we hit up The Breakfast Club for the best breakfast you'll have on the island or even in Savannah. I indulged - inputting every single calorie I had just burned - and fancied every single crumb and moment. Then, we hit the beach. Full belly and all, I wore a two piece swimsuit and didn't try to situate myself to hide my stomach. The first time in nearly ten years I laid on the beach in a two piece bathing suit that wasn't a tankini. My entire stomach was showing.
Maybe I just care less because I'm older. Maybe being married to a man who makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the room - always - has changed how I see myself. Maybe running and working out has made me more confident. Maybe that's the reward of shutting off my mouth and brain and letting the present moments play out. Maybe it's the reward of waking my ass up and living. Whatever it is or was - I welcome it with wide open arms.
As I laid carelessly in my swimsuit, once again I pulled out my book. Every couple pages, I'd hear a voice talking to me. It was my mom. She was being social and wanted to talk to her daughter. And, I wanted to talk to her, but I was really into this book. Flashback to the drive down-always chatterings. Never silence. I started to get very perturbed and wondered why we couldn't just be - in silence. As I started working up my Alley temper, I took a moment. I had to be grateful for this moment. My mom had paid for a trip to the beach for my birthday. She loves me. She wants to socialize and be part of my life. The least I can do is participate in the conversation. So, again, I closed my book and talked - about nothing really. Nothing pressing or important just space filling conversation.
Later, as I was sitting in silence, alone at night on our hotel balcony, I started thinking about all this noisy space. Why was there so much noise happening around me? Why do most people feel they need to fill every silent moment? Why are most people so awkward in silence? Why do I sometimes feel awkward in silence?
Fear! God forsaken FEAR! That's why. When there's silence around you, you're thoughts can become deafening. So deafening, you'll do anything to silence them. What silences your thoughts? Talking. People are awkward in silence, because then they must listen to their thoughts. And, if we sit in silence long enough, and listen long enough, deep rooted thoughts start to surface - and they aren't always fun. Many of us are simply afraid of our own inner beings, and we'd rather talk through life than think and feel through it. Why? FEAR!
Living is so f***ing scary. It takes courage and bravery. Fear will try to take you down. Yet, fear is needed to keep us safe. However, fear prevents us from taking risks - from taking leaps of faith - from sitting in silence and working ourselves out. If we let it, fear will prevent us from really living. And, y'all, living is pretty darn spectacular.
Silence - do not fear it. By all means, welcome it. Face it head on. Embrace it. Find a way to be ok with it. Once a week, I run without headphones, without a friend, and with my thoughts in silence. Running has helped me get to know myself in a way I never thought possible. It's the silence of the world around me that helps me feel my own thoughts. Life will come alive like never before. Don't live in noise. Don't live in fear. Run alongside it, grab its hand, become friends with it. Friends, as we all know, sweeten life - naturally.
I pray you learn to embrace silence, run with your fear, and tackle the world.
Comments
Post a Comment