teach. pray. - Why, God?

Why was it me
to never say goodbye to my mother.
Why was it me
for her to go to a better place
Why was it me
to never say goodbye

-By one of my fifth-grade students


Sometimes life ain't right.
And, you say
Why God?

Sometimes you do bad stuff.
And, you say
Why God?

Sometimes your loved ones die.
And, you say
Why God?

Sometimes war happens.
And, you say
Why God?

Sometimes you get in a wreck.
And, you say 
Why God?

-Excerpt from a poem by one of my fifth-grade students

Today, my students were given an opportunity to share emotions and feelings through poetry. They were given a chance for their voice to be heard. With this chance, every single one of them chose courage and vulnerability. Every single one of them chose a little piece of their heart to share. Some shared surface layer facts about themselves. Many shared really personal, heartwrenching facts about themselves. Two common themes kept recurring: These kids are questioning God in their hearts. These kids are faithful in their belief in God. These kids are COURAGEOUS!! And, we could learn so much from them.

In the past three months, I've watched my sister fight for her life. I've watched her fight for her life, so the life inside her could live. I've watched a newborn baby, the size of my two hands and the weight of a loaf of bread, wiggle and squirm and heard him cry like a kitten after the doctors told us he wouldn't live. I've examined canyons of worry creep upon my mother's face and rivers of tears wash through them. I've listened to my other sister's words carry her off to other lands in the midst of trauma. And, all the while, I cried inside, "Why God?"

I have sobbed oceans alone in my car. In front of my family, I built a fortress of steel and cement around my emotions in an attempt to be a steady foundation they could rest upon. I busied my mind with work and helping others to prevent my heart from crumbling. And, all the while, I cried inside, "Why God?"

You see, my family has been through enough. We've lost too many and too much in too short of a time. So, God, why?

After trudging through the numbness, I allowed my mind, my heart, and my eyes to just be. After just being for some time, the why started playing peek-a-boo with me. I started noticing things. Things I had let my anger swallow up. This permission I gave myself started poking pinholes through the darkness I was living in. And, pinholes of light are blinding after a long walk in the dark.

I noticed God blanketed me in love. So much love that it makes life feel magical. I noticed God directed my heart to service. So much service that it refilled my empty tank. I noticed God catapulted me into stillness. So much so that when I hesitated the universe laughed while dropping a 60 lb table on my foot. I noticed God gently pushed me into the sea gratitude. So much so that I'm floating on the grains of gratefulness. 

God has provided my family with miracles, and today, God provided me a peek inside these kids' hearts, and it reminded me of the little girl hiding inside my own heart. And, the little girl inside never shied away from the hard questions and was never too busy to notice life's everyday miracles.  

So many people around me are fumbling along in the dark. My advice to you is: spend time with a child and truly be present. Give the child inside your heart permission to come out and play. Watch as God intricately unfolds some of life's most valuable moments which will cast the most radiant light into the darkness. 

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