pray. - "Between A Rock and A Hard Place"

A few days ago someone posted this to Facebook. I looked at it. I read it. And, the first thought that came to my  mind was, "But, what if you have nothing left to give?" On that day and in that moment, all I could think was, "I have given it all, and I have nothing left to give." It was a day of great exhaustion. It was a day I broke down in tears and told my husband I felt empty.

I'm sensitive to other people's hurt. I'm a helper, a fixer. I'm a perfectionist in many ways. I want to feed every starving body, mend every broken heart, and love every lost soul. I want to save the world. I know I can't. I know it isn't my job. I understand the reality of the world, but the problem is the reality of the world is like a 100-ton anchor tied to my ankle and another 100-ton weight on my shoulders. The reality currently surrounding me makes it hard to breathe sometimes. It makes getting out of bed feel like a month's worth of work. Everywhere I turn, there are pain and agony laughing and dancing at me. There is so much darkness. And, what really crumbles my spirit is the guilt that comes. The guilt I have for feeling so overwhelmed with life and the world like I'm not allowed to hurt or feel "down in the dumps." I'm not allowed because so many others suffer more despair, more heartache, more desolate times. I feel selfish for feeling burned out or tired or empty or hurt. So, I cry a few tears while I'm alone in my car going places, and I suck it up, and I tell myself, "Have a grateful heart. Focus on all that I have not what I don't have." I quickly dry up the tears, wipe my stained face, pray, and turn the music up. And, I'm good...for a day or two. Then, the cycle repeats several times until anger kicks in.

When the anger stage kicks in, everything is magnified times one thousand. Every speck of dirt, dust, and dog hair. Every smudge on the windows. Every inflection and tone of someone else's voice. Every eye roll. Every fake "How are you?" Every inconsiderate driver. Every canceled appointment, meeting, conversation, phone call, hang out. Every negative, rude, and disrespectful comment. Every wrinkle and freckle on my face. Every roll of fat on my stomach. Every dent of cellulite on thighs. EVERYTHING! TIMES! ONE! THOUSAND! MAYBE EVEN A MILLION. 

And, as if that isn't torturous enough, the deafening thunder rolls right on in with all those lightning strikes. THE COMPARING! I'm not as fit as her. I'm not as pretty. I don't have this or that. My house isn't as well-decorated, organized, or put together. I work hard; we work hard; why can't I afford to do that or have that? 

Can you guess what comes next? GUILT. The guilt re-surfaces. Except for this time, on top of the crying alone in my car, I also want to punch, kick, scream, destroy. I want to tell off every single individual that rubbed me the wrong way that day. I want to tell people to grow up, suck it up, and be a decent human being. But, the guilt reminds me by wanting to do all of those things, I'm not being a decent human being. Yet, I want to be the one who says, "F this! I'm throwing self-control, responsibility, and basic human decency out the window like everyone else." It's a vicious vortex, and it's so hard to find my way out of it. 

Recently, someone, I love dearly, wrote this to me, "You stay strong because you are so many people's rock." Such love and sweet intent behind that statement. But, what happens when you look around in your time of need and are blind to all the rocks you need? I know they are out there, but I can't see them from the guilt of needing them. 

Balancing the dark and the light of life is a tedious but necessary task. Asking for help and accepting it when it's extended, isn't always easy for some of us. And, sometimes, when we share our hardships, our issues, our problems, our darkness, the biggest help of all is silence. A simple look of compassion. A genuine prayer. A warm and loving embrace. An act of thoughtful kindness. A loving "I've got you" nod. 

I work really hard to find the good in people and situations. I work really hard to notice God's work unfolding in front of my eyes. I work really hard to set and stay focused on positive goals. I work really hard to notice the small things that make big differences. But, I falter frequently. I'm not a highlight reel. I'm constantly making mistakes. I'm human. I need grace without judgment in times like these. 

For those rocks in my life, that I don't see in this darkness, please know I appreciate you and I love you. To be seen in the dark, I must also know you're there in the light.