pray. - I never minded sharing birthday cake with you.

May 24th is a special day. May 24th is Miles's birthday. He would be 38 years old today. It has been nearly 20 years since we've shared a birthday cake together (in person at least). 

May 24th is a special day. May 24th is the day Matt proposed. Three years ago today, I said yes to my best friend.

May 24th is a day my heart cries both from heartache and joy. I yearn to celebrate my birthday alongside Miles's. There were many things I "hated" my brother for growing up. I always hated sharing chocolate chip cookie dough with him and my girl friends. We clashed and brawled like WWF (or is it WWE these days?) wrestlers. We chased each other all around the yard, with sticks, all for the last piece of raw cookie dough. Did I mention we loved raw cookie dough? But, one thing is for certain, I never minded sharing a birthday cake with him.

  

As we aged, and as I flourished into a more mature little sister, we cultivated a deep rooted relationship. See, he was a wild one and loved doing unsavory things on the roof of our house outside his bedroom window. He loved racing and driving wreckless...with me in the car...especially when he was mad at me. He was sneaky. The one who was never up to any good, but everyone loved him and thought he was straight laced. He was lovable and funny. He would sneak into my room late at night and just lay beside me. We'd talk about the dumbest things. He'd tease me about everything. We'd lay just laughing. Our bond was tight especially in the last few years of his life. We loved each other, and he was my protector. 

There are days it's hard. The missing him gets really heavy - like last night and today. My mind wanders. He never met Kaitlan, our youngest sister. Paige was so young she barely remembers him. Matt never got to meet him, but I know Miles would've approved. Actually, I think they could've been best friends. Often, I fantasize about the both of us being married and being best friends with each other's spouses. I feel certain he'd have kids, and I'd be an aunt. Miles and I would be the old geezers and be able to tag team the younger sisters. We'd all go on vacations together with our mom and drive her crazy with all our bickering but make her laugh with all our humor. I imagine us being like a t.v. family from Parenthood or Brothers and Sisters or This is Us - full of drama and impossible not to love (if Matt reads this he'll shake his head and think it's corny).

I miss our bond. I feel alone in the sibling bondage from time to time, because I'm way older than my sisters. It's hard to relate to their world sometimes. Our bond, our older brother sister bond - I could really use it sometimes. 

As I celebrate my birthday with friends and family this weekend, I'll take a moment to remember our parties at Lake Juliette - camping all weekend with our friends and family. I'll take a moment to pretend he's standing there blowing out candles with me, and we'll share our birthday cake.

May 24th is a day my heart cries both from heartache and joy. Three years ago, I was sitting in a mountain house with my best friends and my mom and my sister, Paige. Matt's friend, Bill, was there and Matt's mom and step-dad. We had all stayed up way too late the night before indulging, so it was a pretty low key day. The guys had went trout fishing while the girls went hiking. Matt cooked this amazing dinner, and we were going to roast s'mores for dessert. About halfway through dinner, Matt disappeared to start the fire pit for the s'mores. So, I went downstairs to keep him company for a bit while everyone else was finishing up their dinner. He asked if I'd like my birthday present early, so I responded along the lines of, "If you want to give it to me early." He did. 

He pulled out a UGA cutting board. It baffled me why he'd be giving me a cutting board. It was no secret I didn't cook - much less cut anything. I acted pleasantly surprised and said thank you. (He has since taught me how to cook and use the cutting board fairly regularly.) Then, he pulled out a painting I had seen him working on for awhile. He asked what I thought about it. I liked it. Then, he pointed to the bottom of it and asked if I liked what he had added. My eyes squinted and just as I was making the words out, he got on one knee, professed his love with a ring in hand. At the bottom of the painting were the words, Will you marry me? I've never been so happy or sure of anything in my life. Duh, I said yes.

Needless to say, when I walked back upstairs everyone was silent and just waiting. They all knew his plan - the entire time. 

May 24th is a day my heart cries from heartache and joy. Over time, I've been able to allow the sadness to settle, and I've been able to revel in the joyful memories of Miles. Three years ago, Matt added joy to this special day. When I sit down and think about it, I think Miles had a hand in this, and Matt choosing this date to propose was like Miles giving the protective older brother approval. My two favorite blue eyed men collided in a way, and May 24th will always be a special day.

Happy birthday, Miles.