pray. - I have no title. I'm just getting it out.
I'm not quite sure the direction this post will take or how long it will be. What I do know is I have some things I need to say, and I'm going to say them.
I have played my feelings and thoughts over and over in my head the past few days. I have even questioned my heart. I have sat in my car and cried before going into a place of business because my sister-in-law sent me a text with nice words in it before I exited my car. I have cried on the way to work thinking about my sisters, my cousin, other family members, and my friends and their rights to love and marry whomever they choose, whether white, black, American, Asian, Jewish, Buddhist, man, woman, or whatever else, without feeling judged or looked down on, or without feeling afraid - just because they fell in love. I have cried before falling asleep, because I think of the kids and the families that walk through the door of so many public schools that are fighting their own battles against poverty, against domestic violence, against sexual abuse, against addiction, against their "labels," against dirty water, against a fragmented education system, and so on and so forth. I have cried standing in a crowd of thousands of diverse strangers while a five year old girl spoke, through a microphone, on a stage, all by herself, at her own will, and said, "I am here because people matter. We are all people."
We as humans could sit here many lifetimes and debate each others views, opinions, and feelings - and still never find a topic we ALL agree on. Here is why: the Divine granted ALL of US this amazing phenomenon called Free Will. In the words of Uncle Ben from Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility." We are all responsible, in some way, for the outcome - the good, the bad, the ugly - because we all play an intricate role in the lives of every human being. We are all connected in some way, and our choices create vibrations that connect to an energy that transfer through space that create waves - waves of promise, waves of despair, waves of love, waves of hate.
With my Free Will, I chose to be a participant in the Global Women's Rally on Saturday. I chose this knowing I'd be judged, knowing people would throw stones, knowing I'd be generalized. I chose with my Free Will to go because when I looked deep into my heart and prayed for guidance (for ME) I felt compelled to go. I followed my heart, and I do not regret it one bit. I do not apologize for it - just as I will not apologize for my feelings. My feelings are MINE to have and to cope with, and your feelings are YOURS to have and to cope with. I will not love you less because our feelings are different, and I pray you love and respect my heart enough to love me and my differences.
A well respected man that I know stated his problem with the rally was that it supports abortion, and "It makes me sad that we feel murder supports human rights." Let me be clear, I do not support murdering precious innocent lives - even those in the womb. But, here is where my mind gets dark and my heart gets heavy and where confusion tears me apart.
I start imagining a young lady living in a home full of addicts and mental illness. I imagine this young lady being labeled with a disability. I imagine her equipped with the daily living skills and cognitive abilities to read, write, do math, get a job at a local grocery store or retail store. I imagine this young lady being bullied in her own home by those addicts and those with mental illness. I imagine her not being able to fight back. I imagine her being sexually molested - abused - raped...by a family member. I imagine her getting pregnant. I imagine her being alone. I imagine her not equipped to raise a child, because she has just enough skill to take care of herself. I imagine no one being there to take the child into safe keeping, because there has never been anyone there for her. I look at this broken situation and think, "How could God let this happen? It has to be the work of something sinister. How could this child in this young lady's womb be made of love?"
Am I saying the child should be aborted? No. Am I thinking the odds will be stacked against them both? Yes. Is my heart in shambles because I know similar and even WORSE situations happen in the world? Yes. I can't imagine the toll it would take on the young lady or the child. I can't imagine the toll growing up finding out you were adopted because your biological mother was raped and couldn't bare the mental ramifications of her body being violated by someone so dirty, low, and screwed up in the head. I can't imagine a woman being raped and her body being mutilated and the effect being a baby growing in her womb.
This is where I start to crumble and fall apart. Maybe it's because my faith is still growing. Maybe it's because I'm not listening to my God close enough. Maybe it's because my relationship with my God is constantly a work in progress. Maybe as I grow in my own faith and as I have respectful, insightful, faith filled conversations with those who have studied more than me, who have prayed longer and harder than me, who have built a stronger relationship with their faith than me - maybe then these people can help guide me and help me find peace with this struggle. I am here. I am open to the conversation. I am willing to listen. I hope you are willing to do the same in return. After all, maybe there is something I can help you with along the way.
I went to this Global Women's March NOT to whine about my rights as a "spoiled, suburbia, white American girl." I went to this Global Women's Rally because I wanted to be a voice for EVERY person who has ever hurt, who has ever experienced pain, who has ever been treated unfairly - and for anyone and everyone who will ever experience pain, hurt, and inequality. I went because my heart carried me there under the best intentions it knows. And, if you want to generalize me as a whining, spoiled, baby killing rioter, then you haven't taken the time of day to pay attention to me, to listen to me, to get to know me, and you certainly haven't gotten to know my heart.
I have prayed to my God through tears begging for direction, begging for answers, begging for peace in my heart, begging for peace in the heart of others, begging for our success not just as America but as The UNITED States of America, begging for a world united, begging for a moment of solitude for myself and everyone else who is breathing this toxic air. Boy, oh boy, how I have prayed.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
#Godislove #LoveTrumpsHate #IprayforAmerica
I have played my feelings and thoughts over and over in my head the past few days. I have even questioned my heart. I have sat in my car and cried before going into a place of business because my sister-in-law sent me a text with nice words in it before I exited my car. I have cried on the way to work thinking about my sisters, my cousin, other family members, and my friends and their rights to love and marry whomever they choose, whether white, black, American, Asian, Jewish, Buddhist, man, woman, or whatever else, without feeling judged or looked down on, or without feeling afraid - just because they fell in love. I have cried before falling asleep, because I think of the kids and the families that walk through the door of so many public schools that are fighting their own battles against poverty, against domestic violence, against sexual abuse, against addiction, against their "labels," against dirty water, against a fragmented education system, and so on and so forth. I have cried standing in a crowd of thousands of diverse strangers while a five year old girl spoke, through a microphone, on a stage, all by herself, at her own will, and said, "I am here because people matter. We are all people."
We as humans could sit here many lifetimes and debate each others views, opinions, and feelings - and still never find a topic we ALL agree on. Here is why: the Divine granted ALL of US this amazing phenomenon called Free Will. In the words of Uncle Ben from Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility." We are all responsible, in some way, for the outcome - the good, the bad, the ugly - because we all play an intricate role in the lives of every human being. We are all connected in some way, and our choices create vibrations that connect to an energy that transfer through space that create waves - waves of promise, waves of despair, waves of love, waves of hate.
With my Free Will, I chose to be a participant in the Global Women's Rally on Saturday. I chose this knowing I'd be judged, knowing people would throw stones, knowing I'd be generalized. I chose with my Free Will to go because when I looked deep into my heart and prayed for guidance (for ME) I felt compelled to go. I followed my heart, and I do not regret it one bit. I do not apologize for it - just as I will not apologize for my feelings. My feelings are MINE to have and to cope with, and your feelings are YOURS to have and to cope with. I will not love you less because our feelings are different, and I pray you love and respect my heart enough to love me and my differences.
A well respected man that I know stated his problem with the rally was that it supports abortion, and "It makes me sad that we feel murder supports human rights." Let me be clear, I do not support murdering precious innocent lives - even those in the womb. But, here is where my mind gets dark and my heart gets heavy and where confusion tears me apart.
I start imagining a young lady living in a home full of addicts and mental illness. I imagine this young lady being labeled with a disability. I imagine her equipped with the daily living skills and cognitive abilities to read, write, do math, get a job at a local grocery store or retail store. I imagine this young lady being bullied in her own home by those addicts and those with mental illness. I imagine her not being able to fight back. I imagine her being sexually molested - abused - raped...by a family member. I imagine her getting pregnant. I imagine her being alone. I imagine her not equipped to raise a child, because she has just enough skill to take care of herself. I imagine no one being there to take the child into safe keeping, because there has never been anyone there for her. I look at this broken situation and think, "How could God let this happen? It has to be the work of something sinister. How could this child in this young lady's womb be made of love?"
Am I saying the child should be aborted? No. Am I thinking the odds will be stacked against them both? Yes. Is my heart in shambles because I know similar and even WORSE situations happen in the world? Yes. I can't imagine the toll it would take on the young lady or the child. I can't imagine the toll growing up finding out you were adopted because your biological mother was raped and couldn't bare the mental ramifications of her body being violated by someone so dirty, low, and screwed up in the head. I can't imagine a woman being raped and her body being mutilated and the effect being a baby growing in her womb.
This is where I start to crumble and fall apart. Maybe it's because my faith is still growing. Maybe it's because I'm not listening to my God close enough. Maybe it's because my relationship with my God is constantly a work in progress. Maybe as I grow in my own faith and as I have respectful, insightful, faith filled conversations with those who have studied more than me, who have prayed longer and harder than me, who have built a stronger relationship with their faith than me - maybe then these people can help guide me and help me find peace with this struggle. I am here. I am open to the conversation. I am willing to listen. I hope you are willing to do the same in return. After all, maybe there is something I can help you with along the way.
I went to this Global Women's March NOT to whine about my rights as a "spoiled, suburbia, white American girl." I went to this Global Women's Rally because I wanted to be a voice for EVERY person who has ever hurt, who has ever experienced pain, who has ever been treated unfairly - and for anyone and everyone who will ever experience pain, hurt, and inequality. I went because my heart carried me there under the best intentions it knows. And, if you want to generalize me as a whining, spoiled, baby killing rioter, then you haven't taken the time of day to pay attention to me, to listen to me, to get to know me, and you certainly haven't gotten to know my heart.
I have prayed to my God through tears begging for direction, begging for answers, begging for peace in my heart, begging for peace in the heart of others, begging for our success not just as America but as The UNITED States of America, begging for a world united, begging for a moment of solitude for myself and everyone else who is breathing this toxic air. Boy, oh boy, how I have prayed.
#Godislove #LoveTrumpsHate #IprayforAmerica
This is a lovely, heart-filled piece, Nadia. I expresses beautifully some of my same struggles and convictions. Thank you for sharing and thank you for marching.
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