pray. - Inadequate

Inadequate courage
Defeats my dreams of success
Here I stand deflated

I feel so much more burning deep inside and begging to be known. This is not all I am. This is not my potential. I was born to be more - to make a bigger change - to be a catalyst for revolution.

But, the darkness slowly creeps and steals my light. For weeks, maybe even months, I've allowed the night to take control of my glow.

Constantly comparing myself to others.

"I'm not fit enough."
"I'm not pretty enough."
"I'm so plain and simple."
"I'm not smart enough."
"I don't work hard enough."
"I don't sacrifice enough."
"I'm not feminine enough."
"I'm not motherly enough."
"I'm not enough."

For a while now, I've continuously fed myself the line, "I'm not enough." And, maybe this comes with fear of new territory.

I'm working on my BCBA which is new to me. I've forced myself into a summer customer service job which is pushing me out of my comfort zone-making small talk with strangers. I'm supporting my creative artist of a husband which puts me in contact with people who dress and perceive the world in a different manner than myself. I'm involving myself in helping my community become more inclusive which makes me feel incompetent much of the time.

All of these "discomforts" are good for me. They are pushing me to view the world through many different lenses, and it is invaluable. I'm grateful for all the opportunities. But, it doesn't negate the fact that I'm constantly questioning if I'm adequate enough.

When I look in the mirror, I see the face of a troubled woman. I see worry, fear, shame...wrinkles. I see an aging woman who questions her womanhood.

"Should I have been a mother by now?"
"Would I have more friendships if I was a mother?"
"Should I look younger?"
"Should I have accomplished more?"
"Should I be a better wife?"
"Should I be a more supportive daughter, sister, or friend?"

And all the "should I" questions continue forever.

What I'm learning through some reading is: it's a shame show and I'm having a difficult time being ok with my authentic self.

At 35, I feel I should have some acclaimed accomplishment, more money in the bank, a better-decorated house, children of my own to love, and so many other stereotypical signs of success the world has bestowed upon me.

What it really boils down to is: I'm telling myself all of these narratives and none of them "fit me," yet I'm trying to "fit in" the narratives I keep telling myself.

I'm not a mother. That's ok.
I don't have monetary wealth (based on society's definition of wealth). That's ok.
I don't have some prestigious award or connections with fame. That's ok.
I'm not a model or photoshop beautiful. That's ok. 
I can't save or help everyone. That's ok.

I've gotten in a really bad habit of focusing on all that is not rather than all that is. I've lost sight of all the wonderful things that are and along the way I've lost hold of a grateful attitude.

I have a lot of growing to do. And, maybe this chapter is proving difficult due to the growth that needs to be had. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit lost and out of control. And, the fear of being out of control is overwhelming.

But, I feel a fire burning, and I look forward to the day it ignites.

Though it has been challenging to grasp recently: I am adequate. I am enough - just the way I am.

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