pray. - Tragedy is No Longer Tragic
Alcoholism. Domestic abuse. Jail. Racism. Murder. Single parenting. Poverty. Infidelity. Being a child left alone to speak with cops because the adults fled to the woods. Deadly car accident. Felon. Drug addiction. Borderline personality disorder/bipolar. Divorce. Threats. Bank robbery. Death of a father, brother, sister, step-father, friends, ex-boyfriend, grandparents.
All of those words describe life problems. Life problems I've witnessed. I've lived. Those words are only a portion of what my mom has conquered and lived through. Those words are only a handful of problems my immediate family has faced. The list gets WAY longer when I add in problems extended family, like my cousins, have faced. My own life experiences are enough for an Emmy winning drama, but when you add my extended family, boy oh boy, you've got years and years of dramatic material.
People always say every family has that "one." Well, our families have had those "few." I'm sure many people will be offended by what I'm writing. But, what I'm writing is the truth. The truth is often a hard pill to swallow. However, if more of us swallowed the truth and took responsibility for the mistakes we've made, lives would be different. The world would be different.
Today has been a hard day for me. Hell, this entire past week has been. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being angry with so many people. I have so much rage and letting go to get out of my heart and mind.
What has hurt the most is the realization that trauma no longer surprises me. Trauma is no longer tragic to me. When I talk to people about current life events, they are shocked. They have a hard time wrapping their minds around it. But, for me, it's just another problem in a lifelong list of problems. I'm no longer phased. And, I could allow that truth to scare the shit out of me, or I could allow it to reconstruct me. It's up to me to choose.
I listen to teachers say things about the families of students. And, I realize, I belonged to the family my teachers used to talk about. I was the kid they felt sorry for. I was the kid they loved, because, despite my circumstances, I was an above average student. I was well behaved. I worked hard. But, school was my outlet. School was the only place I was in control. So, I excelled. Unfortunately, not all kids deal with tragedy the way I did. Some kids deal with it quite the opposite. And, this is why my heart will always be tender for the bad ones, for the messed up ones, for the hard to reach ones.
This is what I know about the bad ones, the messed up ones, the hard to reach ones. Something is wrong somewhere. Something has gone awry. They have lost control. They do not know how to fight the devil. How do I know this? My dad was one of them. My step-dad was one of them. Other loved ones were one of them. These "bad ones" are someone's child. They are someone's brother or sister. One day, if they make it to adulthood, they will be someone's father or mother. They are a sinful human like the rest of us, and, deep down inside, they want to be forgiven, and they want to be loved. They are capable of being "good" people, but they are easily defeated by heartbreak, loss, tragedy, and sin. They are fragile souls living in a not so gentle world. They need more love and grace than the "common" human. After all, we are all sinners, and what I've come to believe is no one sin is bigger or worse than another.
Something else I've come to learn is your circumstances do not define who you are nor do they have to represent you. You are in control of the choices you make. There will always be choices. The choices that lay on the table may not be favorable, but they are always choices. It's up to the individual to choose the stronger choice. Consequences directly reflect the choices that are made.
I've also learned, it is more than possible to overcome tragedy and use it to build a stronger, better you. This is the more challenging choice to make. It requires the most work. But, the tragedy will transform into a romance with life. Life will begin to look brighter. You'll find forgiveness once you've faced and accepted the emotional scars. And, you'll be grateful for simply being able to wake up and breathe air into your lungs each morning. Love will be possible. Love will begin to replace the darkness. And, how do I know this?
I am currently living the romance with life. I finally have found love for myself. I have a patient husband who loves me so deeply that he accepts my emotional scars. He even loves them. I have a mother whose courage, strength, and immortal love is incomprehensible. I have two of the most beautiful and amazing sisters. I have an intelligent, kind, and caring stepsister. I have two incredibly supportive and loving father-in-laws, Mike and David. I have two incredibly supportive and loving mother-in-laws, Karen and Diana. I have a slew of sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws and nieces and nephews. My extended family is full of stubborn, strong-willed, hilarious, and love hard people. I'm surrounded by the most incredible circle of friends. I'm surrounded by the most wonderful co-workers and most precious kids each day at work. My current reality is a dream that could be easily overshadowed by tragedy if I chose to allow it.
Those descriptors mentioned at the beginning of this post do not define who I am. They are part of my story. The "bad ones" in our family have taught me the most about family. They have taught me about strength. They have taught me about strong will. They have taught me about living life to its absolute fullest. They have taught me honesty and rawness. They have taught me to love ALL of me-the good, the bad, the ugly. They have taught me to love hard or go home.
Tragedy isn't tragic to me anymore. It's a learning experience. It's transforming. It's an opportunity to be a servant of God's grace and love.
To God, every moment is a new beginning...God would never say, "I could help you, but you messed up badly so I don't want to." Neither does He say, "I could give you a great life, but your parents were dysfunctional so my hands are tied." Limitations do not stand before the limitlessness of God; it is only the limits to our faith, not the limits of our circumstances, that keep us from experiencing miracles." - Marianne Williamson
All of those words describe life problems. Life problems I've witnessed. I've lived. Those words are only a portion of what my mom has conquered and lived through. Those words are only a handful of problems my immediate family has faced. The list gets WAY longer when I add in problems extended family, like my cousins, have faced. My own life experiences are enough for an Emmy winning drama, but when you add my extended family, boy oh boy, you've got years and years of dramatic material.
People always say every family has that "one." Well, our families have had those "few." I'm sure many people will be offended by what I'm writing. But, what I'm writing is the truth. The truth is often a hard pill to swallow. However, if more of us swallowed the truth and took responsibility for the mistakes we've made, lives would be different. The world would be different.
Today has been a hard day for me. Hell, this entire past week has been. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being angry with so many people. I have so much rage and letting go to get out of my heart and mind.
What has hurt the most is the realization that trauma no longer surprises me. Trauma is no longer tragic to me. When I talk to people about current life events, they are shocked. They have a hard time wrapping their minds around it. But, for me, it's just another problem in a lifelong list of problems. I'm no longer phased. And, I could allow that truth to scare the shit out of me, or I could allow it to reconstruct me. It's up to me to choose.
I listen to teachers say things about the families of students. And, I realize, I belonged to the family my teachers used to talk about. I was the kid they felt sorry for. I was the kid they loved, because, despite my circumstances, I was an above average student. I was well behaved. I worked hard. But, school was my outlet. School was the only place I was in control. So, I excelled. Unfortunately, not all kids deal with tragedy the way I did. Some kids deal with it quite the opposite. And, this is why my heart will always be tender for the bad ones, for the messed up ones, for the hard to reach ones.
This is what I know about the bad ones, the messed up ones, the hard to reach ones. Something is wrong somewhere. Something has gone awry. They have lost control. They do not know how to fight the devil. How do I know this? My dad was one of them. My step-dad was one of them. Other loved ones were one of them. These "bad ones" are someone's child. They are someone's brother or sister. One day, if they make it to adulthood, they will be someone's father or mother. They are a sinful human like the rest of us, and, deep down inside, they want to be forgiven, and they want to be loved. They are capable of being "good" people, but they are easily defeated by heartbreak, loss, tragedy, and sin. They are fragile souls living in a not so gentle world. They need more love and grace than the "common" human. After all, we are all sinners, and what I've come to believe is no one sin is bigger or worse than another.
Something else I've come to learn is your circumstances do not define who you are nor do they have to represent you. You are in control of the choices you make. There will always be choices. The choices that lay on the table may not be favorable, but they are always choices. It's up to the individual to choose the stronger choice. Consequences directly reflect the choices that are made.
I've also learned, it is more than possible to overcome tragedy and use it to build a stronger, better you. This is the more challenging choice to make. It requires the most work. But, the tragedy will transform into a romance with life. Life will begin to look brighter. You'll find forgiveness once you've faced and accepted the emotional scars. And, you'll be grateful for simply being able to wake up and breathe air into your lungs each morning. Love will be possible. Love will begin to replace the darkness. And, how do I know this?
I am currently living the romance with life. I finally have found love for myself. I have a patient husband who loves me so deeply that he accepts my emotional scars. He even loves them. I have a mother whose courage, strength, and immortal love is incomprehensible. I have two of the most beautiful and amazing sisters. I have an intelligent, kind, and caring stepsister. I have two incredibly supportive and loving father-in-laws, Mike and David. I have two incredibly supportive and loving mother-in-laws, Karen and Diana. I have a slew of sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws and nieces and nephews. My extended family is full of stubborn, strong-willed, hilarious, and love hard people. I'm surrounded by the most incredible circle of friends. I'm surrounded by the most wonderful co-workers and most precious kids each day at work. My current reality is a dream that could be easily overshadowed by tragedy if I chose to allow it.
Those descriptors mentioned at the beginning of this post do not define who I am. They are part of my story. The "bad ones" in our family have taught me the most about family. They have taught me about strength. They have taught me about strong will. They have taught me about living life to its absolute fullest. They have taught me honesty and rawness. They have taught me to love ALL of me-the good, the bad, the ugly. They have taught me to love hard or go home.
Tragedy isn't tragic to me anymore. It's a learning experience. It's transforming. It's an opportunity to be a servant of God's grace and love.
To God, every moment is a new beginning...God would never say, "I could help you, but you messed up badly so I don't want to." Neither does He say, "I could give you a great life, but your parents were dysfunctional so my hands are tied." Limitations do not stand before the limitlessness of God; it is only the limits to our faith, not the limits of our circumstances, that keep us from experiencing miracles." - Marianne Williamson
Wow. Thanks for the wise words. I needed them today.
ReplyDeleteYou amaze me. I bearly really "know" YOU - yet, you feel like a sister. I'm loving my new job as a preschool Neuro aide for a child who has so many handicaps, but is such a blessed child. Let's meet for a SLOW run or walk soon. Diane Mars
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