teach. run. pray. - Selling My Soul

There are only a few more days left in 2016. I'm sitting in our recliner, in a very quiet house (minus the snoring dogs next to me), feeling guilty for not being "productive." I keep thinking, "I should be taking down the Christmas tree. I should be unloading the dishwasher. I should be completing the online classes I've signed up for. I should be reading. I should be finishing a crochet project I started. I should be..." 

Instead, I'm sitting and contemplating and reflecting, and I'm equating those actions to laziness. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I calling myself lazy for contemplating my life and reflecting on the things that make my life full and happy? My goodness, if more of us did this, maybe we wouldn't be living in a shallow, self-absorbed, consumer driven, immediacy addicted world. What can I do to make myself less shallow, less self-absorbed, less consumer driven, less addicted to all the immediacies of the world?

As I reflect on my life and the weights on my heart over the past year, I keep coming back to this simple statement: In the deepest depths of my heart, I feel a deep purpose calling me, and it's such a loud calling of purpose that I can no longer ignore it. I've been searching and praying for God to make it clear to me, what this purpose is, and each day it's becoming a little more clear. 

Simplicity. A less cluttered life.

What is important to me in life? What ventures in life make me feel ALIVE? 

1. Love, family, friends, values, faith, kindness. These six words describe a full life to me. Don't get me wrong, these six words are most certainly part of my life, however, I don't give enough attention to them. I'm not mindful of them like I should be. They merely exist in a life full of distractions such as social media, daily work stress, daily wants and desires for materials, depressing world news, daily to-do checklists, checklists of future home projects, etc. I'm not nourishing these six things. I'm not taking care of them with the utmost respect. I'm giving them just enough attention to keep them breathing - to keep them surviving. They are in survival mode. Is this how I want the most important things in my life to be treated? These six things are very fragile, and I'm not handling them with the care they deserve.

2. When I look back at life and think about the moments or memories where I felt the most alive, they all exclude technology (to an extent) and buying material things. Rafting and canoeing with my family down the river in the midst of hot, humid Georgia summers. Spending time on my great grandmother's screened in porch and listening to the rain hit the tin roof while feeling terrified, yet safe, watching the lightning, listening to the thunder and howling wind of storms passing through. Pillow fights with my dad. Dancing with metal poles, pretending to be characters from Saved By the Bell, and playing doctor with my cousins in our grandmother's basement. Moving away from my closest friends from the town I was born and raised in, the summer before my sophomore year of high school. Graduating from high school, college, and graduate school. All those college memories of attending concerts, music festivals, attending parties, playing foosball, dressing up for Halloween with friends. Meeting new friends when I least expected it and travelling to Italy and Greece with them. Buying plane tickets to Ireland because me and two other friends decided we were going to move there. Meeting my first love interests and denying to myself I was in love for the first time. Biking 750 miles in two weeks for charity. Completing my first half marathon for charity, and meeting one of the biggest inspirations of my life during that journey. Being introduced to my husband for the first time and dying for him to kiss me the first time we ever watched fireworks together. Getting engaged and getting married. Being there when my sisters were born and watching them grow into beautifully smart young women. Being with my family when my youngest sister spent a week in the hospital. Having a family and friend support system when my brother died and my step dad left us for drugs. Being there when my husband saw the Rocky Mountains for the first time. Travelling to Yellowstone National Park and watching the amazement in our eyes and the genuine happiness of being there with each other. These are only a handful of moments that have made me feel alive. None of these moments can be bought in a store or online or shipped at a low cost from China. These moments are priceless.

So, how can I have more of these ALIVE moments while fully nourishing the six most important things in my life? What is holding me back from living a more intentional, mindful, and fulfilling life? What is holding me back from being the best me?

Hold back number one: STRESS!!

Stress comes in many forms and can be caused by many different things. There is good stress and bad stress. I'm a worrier. All this worrying is usually not useful in my life. My top two stressors are finances and career. 

My husband and I live on a itemized budget, which we started about a year ago, and it has helped lower my financial stress. We've paid off a lot of debt and live very much within our means. Our incomes easily take care of the necessities of life and more. Yet, I still stress. Our house is a work in progress. I find myself comparing its incompleteness to everyone else's new, finished, well decorated homes. I'm always asking myself, "How do they have the money for that? We work hard, and we can't afford that." But there lies the problem: comparison. We have everything we could ever need and too much more, yet, we still want more. Why?! Society has brainwashed us. It has convinced us brands are happiness. Big showroom houses are happiness. Perfectly manicured lawns are happiness. Luxury cars are happiness. Vacation homes are happiness. Airbrushed skin and bodies are happiness. Instagram and Youtube fame is happiness. Fake, scripted marriages from reality t.v. are happiness. All of these things are LIES! They are distractions from life. They aren't happiness. Money is not happiness. Money and material things are anesthetics to numb us from feeling ALIVE. Walmart, Nordstroms, Amazon, car dealerships, major toy companies, and on and on and on...these corporations could give two shits about us and how alive we feel. Yet, we've allowed them to define our status quo...our happiness.

Career is my other stressor. Ultimately, I love what I do. I feel my job is the most important job in the world. But, my job consumes my life. Some teachers can draw the line between work and home. I am not one of those people. My job stress trumps my financial stress. I desire to help others. I desire to be a world changer. But, I struggle with my career choice every day of my life. Which makes me think, have I served my purpose as a teacher? Is there a new purpose for my life now? After all, if I'm being honest with myself (and it's a really disheartening, ugly truth), I feel as if I'm teaching only to pay my bills now, and that scares me, because it isn't good for anyone involved. I give my students my best and my all every day I walk into that school building. I will never stop doing that, because I love my students. I think they are worthy of my best. They are why I get out of bed and continue this career journey. However, my career journey is preventing me from nourishing those six things that are important to me.

So, what would life be like to have no debt/mortgage and a smaller home filled with less things? No mortgage and no car payment would mean my husband and I could work more meaningful jobs (meaningful to us) for less pay and have more time to nourish the things that make us feel ALIVE. Not to mention, we'd automatically be more environmentally responsible. Think of all the waste these material things create. Think of all the land that is demolished for these luxuries. Think of all the animals losing homes because the animal inside of us wants it all. Think of the disruptions to the environment our selfishness is causing. Not only are we driving ourselves mad, we're killing the Earth that feeds us life.

In 2017, I plan to make small changes that will create major changes. Instead of resolutions, I'm setting two goals. 

1. Work toward becoming my own realistic minimalist. Simplify my life.

2. Stop comparing my "things" to other people's "things."

#simplifyinglife #becomingmyownminimalist #makingmoretimeforloveandfaith