teach. run. pray. - Cyclone of Tears
Tis the day before Thanksgiving and all around are families baking and cooking for a day full of feasting-except moi. I haven't even showered or gotten out of my pajamas, and though that may sound nice to some, it really isn't as nice as it sounds. I've spent an entire day doing homework for my graduate class. Yesterday, I spent the evening cleaning because there just hasn't been time for that. No Thanksgiving prep going on over here.
Here's the thing, I'm kind of sad about the lack of festive activity, yet at the same time, I'm grateful because it has allowed me time to do some homework which I desperately needed. And, now that I've gotten myself at a good stopping point, I can do something I've desperately missed-writing to the world.
The past six months have been nothing short of an emotionally charged cyclone. A cyclone only God alone could create. A cyclone only God could pull me out of. This moment of stillness I'm sitting in is one of much gratitude. So many thoughts of inadequacy, of fear, of worry, of self-doubt, of heartbreak, of hopelessness, of guilt, have seized my heart and mind during this storm. I sit in stillness and think, "Wow, people still love me." So many days I felt unworthy of love simply because I was having such a hard time "holding it together." I felt unworthy of love because I broke under the stress of life and had to ask for help and forgiveness. I felt unworthy of love because on the inside I was crumbling and yearning for a faraway place I could hide. A place no one could find me - a place where no one expected anything from me. There were moments, not that long ago, where I felt I would burst into a yelling fit if one more email, phone call, text message, or request in any form came my way. Simply put, I was ready to quit at life and climb into a hole and pray time travel would spit me out someplace else.
Sleep escaped me. Exhaustion enslaved my body and spirit. Negativity ravaged my mind. I sobbed at the drop of hat. Today, I sit in my clean, warm living room on my cozy, comfortable sofa and feel less heavy and still find myself dreaming up ways to escape to some dream-like paradise, where only Matt & I are allowed because being around people still feels depleting. It isn't people's fault. It's just my spirit hasn't quite recovered from six months of repeated trauma. Not to mention, the trauma I'm currently fighting knowing soon, very soon I will have to say goodbye to my dog, a friend that's been by my side through graduate school, through old and new friendships, through eleven years of teaching, through loss of loved ones, and through 9.5 years of falling in love with my husband. She loved me and kept me company when my life was ever so lonely, and I'm currently prolonging her life out of selfishness when she clearly deserves a better quality of life in which we can no longer accord her here on earth. Through all of this, my one therapy which never fails to balance me, running, was embezzled by a 100-pound glass tabletop!
Less than five days ago, I proclaimed, "I just don't know if it's worth all the stress. I want to quit it all and re-evaluate my life. Life is too short to spend it this stressed all the time." And, here I am, the evening before Thanksgiving pouring out my heart to the world, and though only a select few will read my words, it makes me feel good knowing someone will take their time to visit my mind.
I'm at a crossroads in life, and I have no idea which road I'm going to choose for the next adventure. What I do know is it will be a road all for me, and I will stop to take in the scenery whenever I please for as long as I please. I will not feel guilty for putting my wants and needs first. I will choose a road that makes me feel worthy-all versions of me. I will choose a road that energizes my spirit. I will choose twists and turns that make me feel alive and that brings me joy. I will say goodbye to relationships that drain me empty. I will choose paths lined with loving and considerate hearts. And, I will pray God guides me all the way. Change is coming.
This evening before Thanksgiving I'm grateful for those who have bathed me in love and prayers. I'm grateful for those who have reassured me of my worth when I have faltered. I'm grateful for the grace presented to me in my darkest most emotional times. I'm grateful for God's miracles.
Here's the thing, I'm kind of sad about the lack of festive activity, yet at the same time, I'm grateful because it has allowed me time to do some homework which I desperately needed. And, now that I've gotten myself at a good stopping point, I can do something I've desperately missed-writing to the world.
The past six months have been nothing short of an emotionally charged cyclone. A cyclone only God alone could create. A cyclone only God could pull me out of. This moment of stillness I'm sitting in is one of much gratitude. So many thoughts of inadequacy, of fear, of worry, of self-doubt, of heartbreak, of hopelessness, of guilt, have seized my heart and mind during this storm. I sit in stillness and think, "Wow, people still love me." So many days I felt unworthy of love simply because I was having such a hard time "holding it together." I felt unworthy of love because I broke under the stress of life and had to ask for help and forgiveness. I felt unworthy of love because on the inside I was crumbling and yearning for a faraway place I could hide. A place no one could find me - a place where no one expected anything from me. There were moments, not that long ago, where I felt I would burst into a yelling fit if one more email, phone call, text message, or request in any form came my way. Simply put, I was ready to quit at life and climb into a hole and pray time travel would spit me out someplace else.
Sleep escaped me. Exhaustion enslaved my body and spirit. Negativity ravaged my mind. I sobbed at the drop of hat. Today, I sit in my clean, warm living room on my cozy, comfortable sofa and feel less heavy and still find myself dreaming up ways to escape to some dream-like paradise, where only Matt & I are allowed because being around people still feels depleting. It isn't people's fault. It's just my spirit hasn't quite recovered from six months of repeated trauma. Not to mention, the trauma I'm currently fighting knowing soon, very soon I will have to say goodbye to my dog, a friend that's been by my side through graduate school, through old and new friendships, through eleven years of teaching, through loss of loved ones, and through 9.5 years of falling in love with my husband. She loved me and kept me company when my life was ever so lonely, and I'm currently prolonging her life out of selfishness when she clearly deserves a better quality of life in which we can no longer accord her here on earth. Through all of this, my one therapy which never fails to balance me, running, was embezzled by a 100-pound glass tabletop!
Less than five days ago, I proclaimed, "I just don't know if it's worth all the stress. I want to quit it all and re-evaluate my life. Life is too short to spend it this stressed all the time." And, here I am, the evening before Thanksgiving pouring out my heart to the world, and though only a select few will read my words, it makes me feel good knowing someone will take their time to visit my mind.
I'm at a crossroads in life, and I have no idea which road I'm going to choose for the next adventure. What I do know is it will be a road all for me, and I will stop to take in the scenery whenever I please for as long as I please. I will not feel guilty for putting my wants and needs first. I will choose a road that makes me feel worthy-all versions of me. I will choose a road that energizes my spirit. I will choose twists and turns that make me feel alive and that brings me joy. I will say goodbye to relationships that drain me empty. I will choose paths lined with loving and considerate hearts. And, I will pray God guides me all the way. Change is coming.
This evening before Thanksgiving I'm grateful for those who have bathed me in love and prayers. I'm grateful for those who have reassured me of my worth when I have faltered. I'm grateful for the grace presented to me in my darkest most emotional times. I'm grateful for God's miracles.
I've been in this place more times than I can count, and to some extent still am. You're on the right path, and I'm so glad you are able to see what you need to lead you to fulfillment and peace. I'm happy we crossed paths and hopeful we can continue to get to know each other. Praying for you and the future!
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