pray: God is Internal


Today, I spent some time reading through an old journal. I didn't realize I had this journal. And, as I was reading, I felt as though I was capturing fragments of my heart - of myself - that had been floating off in space. As I captured each floating fragment, I started making more sense to myself. It was like each fragment was a missing piece to the puzzle of who I am today.

 February 8, 1999, yes, nearly 20 years ago, I started a journal entry like this:

 Have you ever really sat down and asked yourself if there is really a God? I sit here and ask myself that every day. No matter how hard things get or what happens, I always get the same answer. There has to be a God if there are angels. And, I know there are angels because I have several of them watching after me every day.

 I wrote that three months before my 15th birthday. At age 34, I respond to my fourteen-year-old self by saying, "Yes, there is a God, and God dwells within you."

 Reading through old journals of mine, I realized I never denied God, although, I questioned God constantly. I trusted God, but, unfortunately, not without bounds. Yet, I always appreciated and loved God. I'd like to say I was always faithful. But, I'm not so sure I really was. If I had been, I would have trusted God more - I would've trusted my heart more. To this day, I struggle with releasing my heart of the strings that hold it hostage during times of uncertainty.

I was often deaf to God's calling. I was too busy questioning this external God. I was too busy being angry at this external God who took my loved ones away and who broke my heart. I was too busy blaming this external God for all of the world's problems. And, after all the anger and blaming, I was left sitting with a saddened heart. A heart I questioned and didn't trust. It never was God causing all the trouble. It was humans with smoldering candles in their hearts.

As an adult, who is in the midst of an endless spiritual journey, I realized my fourteen-year-old heart lacked focus because it was focusing on external human worries rather than on God's faithful love. It's really about the transformation of the heart.

I've grown to believe God resides within us not outside of us. I do not believe God is an external deity to idolize. I do not believe God is an external deity which makes magic happen just because we pray and ask for it. I do not believe God is an external deity which makes life worse. 

 I believe God is the faithful candle in our hearts which illuminates our spirit so that our soul can find love lurking in life's darkest corners.
Instead of seeing the world full of external shells, maybe, we should look deeper and remind ourselves of the faithful candle we were all born with so we may find love even in the darkest corners of the human soul. 


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