teach.run. pray. - When Stress Relief Turns to Guilt
Most weeks, I put in approximately 50 hours of work into my job. Those 50 hours are completed in the school building, in other words, that's how many hours I spend at my workplace versus home. It does not include the hours I spend at home grading papers, writing lesson plans, searching for engaging ideas, or prepping classroom props for room transformations or fun activities. Now, throw a graduate-level class on top of that and maintaining a healthy marriage and social life. I stay pretty busy, and at times, it all gets very overwhelming, so I need ways to decompress.
About 10 years ago, I took up running as a way to challenge myself. In turn, running turned into a major stress relieving activity for me, and I fell in love with the runner's high. I became addicted to the freedom and euphoria a hard sweaty run left me with. However, the past few weeks, I've had moments where I made every excuse in the book to not run. I avoided it. The desire was lacking. So, I skipped my scheduled run and did yoga. Yoga lifted my soul, but the next day I'd wake up with guilt. Guilt for not running. Eventually, it became a very vicious cycle, and my runs started feeling forced. Don't get me wrong, I felt great when I finished them. I felt like I had persevered through something because I guess I had in a sense. I accomplished something I didn't want to do, but the stress was heavier than ever.
Last week, I went for a seven-mile run because I'm also training for a half marathon...in the midst of all that other stuff, I mentioned previously. During this run, my headphones died about two miles in, so I was left with my thoughts for five hilly miles. And, this was one of the few runs I had been looking forward to. In my heart, I knew I really needed the time alone, plus there's something about all that sweating that makes me feel like purification is taking place from deep within - and I needed some deep purification.
What I realized during this run was I had allowed guilt to steal my joy.
I'm a checklist kind of person. I get satisfaction from crossing things off my to-do list, and when I wasn't able to check everything off my to-do list frustration and stress took over. The problem with that is running was once a stress reliever, and now, it had become a stress creator because I was feeling guilty when I didn't run. Then, I started thinking of all the other activities I once did to find joy, like volunteering, writing, and reading and realized at some point in time those things had become stressful too. And, when I asked myself why, the same answer appeared - guilt. I felt guilty when I wanted to do them but couldn't get around to doing them.
If guilt was adding stress and sucking the life out of the purpose of the activity, what was the purpose of doing it?
If guilt was stealing my joy, was the activity's purpose still purposeful?
I started digging into those questions during my run and realized running, writing, and reading was no longer serving their purpose if they were making me feel stressed or guilty by not doing them. So, what do I do about it? Stop running, writing, and reading?
No. But, I do need to free myself of the guilt that's attached if I don't get to them. If I'm exhausted after a 9 hour work day and a 3 hour class after work, then maybe eating a Reese's egg and drinking a glass of wine is going to be more stress-relieving than going for a run because it's all I have the energy for that day. Often times, God calls us to stillness and we ignore it because it doesn't feel "productive." However, if stillness calms my mind and allows me to let go of the stress that holds me back from my full potential, I'm doing a disservice to myself and others by ignoring it.
I say all of that to simply say, our heart, mind, and body desire different activities based on what our heart, mind, and body need at any given moment. And, sometimes I need to volunteer to find inner peace. And, sometimes, I need to write or read to find inner peace. And, sometimes, I need to run to purify my soul. And, sometimes, I just need to sit in stillness and let go of the guilt. In the end, my heart, body, and soul will balance it all out.
When guilt steals the joy, joy is no longer the purpose. Therefore, the activity is no longer doing its job. So, I've got to learn to let go of the guilt and let joy do its job.
About 10 years ago, I took up running as a way to challenge myself. In turn, running turned into a major stress relieving activity for me, and I fell in love with the runner's high. I became addicted to the freedom and euphoria a hard sweaty run left me with. However, the past few weeks, I've had moments where I made every excuse in the book to not run. I avoided it. The desire was lacking. So, I skipped my scheduled run and did yoga. Yoga lifted my soul, but the next day I'd wake up with guilt. Guilt for not running. Eventually, it became a very vicious cycle, and my runs started feeling forced. Don't get me wrong, I felt great when I finished them. I felt like I had persevered through something because I guess I had in a sense. I accomplished something I didn't want to do, but the stress was heavier than ever.
Last week, I went for a seven-mile run because I'm also training for a half marathon...in the midst of all that other stuff, I mentioned previously. During this run, my headphones died about two miles in, so I was left with my thoughts for five hilly miles. And, this was one of the few runs I had been looking forward to. In my heart, I knew I really needed the time alone, plus there's something about all that sweating that makes me feel like purification is taking place from deep within - and I needed some deep purification.
What I realized during this run was I had allowed guilt to steal my joy.
I'm a checklist kind of person. I get satisfaction from crossing things off my to-do list, and when I wasn't able to check everything off my to-do list frustration and stress took over. The problem with that is running was once a stress reliever, and now, it had become a stress creator because I was feeling guilty when I didn't run. Then, I started thinking of all the other activities I once did to find joy, like volunteering, writing, and reading and realized at some point in time those things had become stressful too. And, when I asked myself why, the same answer appeared - guilt. I felt guilty when I wanted to do them but couldn't get around to doing them.
If guilt was adding stress and sucking the life out of the purpose of the activity, what was the purpose of doing it?
If guilt was stealing my joy, was the activity's purpose still purposeful?
I started digging into those questions during my run and realized running, writing, and reading was no longer serving their purpose if they were making me feel stressed or guilty by not doing them. So, what do I do about it? Stop running, writing, and reading?
No. But, I do need to free myself of the guilt that's attached if I don't get to them. If I'm exhausted after a 9 hour work day and a 3 hour class after work, then maybe eating a Reese's egg and drinking a glass of wine is going to be more stress-relieving than going for a run because it's all I have the energy for that day. Often times, God calls us to stillness and we ignore it because it doesn't feel "productive." However, if stillness calms my mind and allows me to let go of the stress that holds me back from my full potential, I'm doing a disservice to myself and others by ignoring it.
I say all of that to simply say, our heart, mind, and body desire different activities based on what our heart, mind, and body need at any given moment. And, sometimes I need to volunteer to find inner peace. And, sometimes, I need to write or read to find inner peace. And, sometimes, I need to run to purify my soul. And, sometimes, I just need to sit in stillness and let go of the guilt. In the end, my heart, body, and soul will balance it all out.
When guilt steals the joy, joy is no longer the purpose. Therefore, the activity is no longer doing its job. So, I've got to learn to let go of the guilt and let joy do its job.
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