pray. - The Scrap of Hope
"Just think of all the good times. That is what we have to do. Our family has been through more than most. There has to be some kind of reason. You have been right by my side through it all. Thank you for being so strong. Do not tear up today. Be happy. You deserve it."
Those are the words my mom sent me yesterday when I told her I was having an emotional morning. The truth was I had been having an emotional two days. My heart hurt. I missed my dad. I missed my brother almost more than I could bear. My heart thirsted for a hug from Miles and his laugh. I couldn't stop thinking about what Christmas would be like with him. I imagined him married with kids and acting crazy and foolish like he always did. I imagined him and Matt hanging out and having some holiday spirits together. I imagined us giving Kaitlan a hard time about her hoodie dress and spray tan. I imagined mom playing with her grandkids. I imagined Paige being home and not so far away on Christmas. My heart just yearned for his presence more than ever before. It has been about 20 years and the pain hasn't vacated my heart.
As I got out of the shower, I started crying. I couldn't control it. Matt embraced me with his warm, secure hug and just held me. He said, "It's ok. You love him so much it hurts. I want to be loved that much." And, he is. He so is.
Growing up surrounded by so much death, you tend to have a lot of morbid thoughts from time to time. As a teenager and into my early college years, I often found myself planning out life raising two young girls because I would think about my mom suddenly died. Now, I sometimes find my mind drifting off to what life would be like if Matt died - how insufferable that would be for me. I think of my mom. She has been married three times and each of those men is dead - two tragically killed. She lost her only son when he was only 18. The pain seems insurmountable.
How can the human heart endure so much pain and still have so much love to give to the world?
In my eyes and heart, the only answer that makes sense is God. My mom's unwavering strength is just another piece of evidence proving the existence of God.
I could sit here every day of my life and question God's existence and argue He doesn't exist, because if He were a loving God, my family and other families would never feel the pain of tragically losing a loved one, or innocent lives wouldn't be taken in the name of terror, war, or hatred, or worthy human life wouldn't decease because of starvation or unclean water.
However, God's love has to be accepted in order to heal. All human hearts are tainted with something, and all human hearts were given the gift of free will. I choose to accept His love and to do my best to spread it so other tainted hearts may heal as well. It's a choice. Let the pain, suffering, and misfortune tear us down because it's more than a mortal life can handle, or open your heart to something bigger and have faith that this bigger love will guide you through the pain and lead you back to love. After all, those imagined scenes I had of my family, they very well could be God's gift to me. Pleasantries to dance with in my mind. For all I know, if reality had turned out differently maybe it wouldn't really be that happy and satisfying.
I recently read a children's chapter book, Home of the Brave, and the words touched my heart.
Hope is hard work. God never promised us it would be easy. This Christmas, like so many other people, I had to hold onto that scrap of hope. But, God provided me with the right people and an abundance of love, and I survived. And, you will too. Just hold tight to the scrap in darkness and in light.
Those are the words my mom sent me yesterday when I told her I was having an emotional morning. The truth was I had been having an emotional two days. My heart hurt. I missed my dad. I missed my brother almost more than I could bear. My heart thirsted for a hug from Miles and his laugh. I couldn't stop thinking about what Christmas would be like with him. I imagined him married with kids and acting crazy and foolish like he always did. I imagined him and Matt hanging out and having some holiday spirits together. I imagined us giving Kaitlan a hard time about her hoodie dress and spray tan. I imagined mom playing with her grandkids. I imagined Paige being home and not so far away on Christmas. My heart just yearned for his presence more than ever before. It has been about 20 years and the pain hasn't vacated my heart.
As I got out of the shower, I started crying. I couldn't control it. Matt embraced me with his warm, secure hug and just held me. He said, "It's ok. You love him so much it hurts. I want to be loved that much." And, he is. He so is.
Growing up surrounded by so much death, you tend to have a lot of morbid thoughts from time to time. As a teenager and into my early college years, I often found myself planning out life raising two young girls because I would think about my mom suddenly died. Now, I sometimes find my mind drifting off to what life would be like if Matt died - how insufferable that would be for me. I think of my mom. She has been married three times and each of those men is dead - two tragically killed. She lost her only son when he was only 18. The pain seems insurmountable.
How can the human heart endure so much pain and still have so much love to give to the world?
In my eyes and heart, the only answer that makes sense is God. My mom's unwavering strength is just another piece of evidence proving the existence of God.
I could sit here every day of my life and question God's existence and argue He doesn't exist, because if He were a loving God, my family and other families would never feel the pain of tragically losing a loved one, or innocent lives wouldn't be taken in the name of terror, war, or hatred, or worthy human life wouldn't decease because of starvation or unclean water.
However, God's love has to be accepted in order to heal. All human hearts are tainted with something, and all human hearts were given the gift of free will. I choose to accept His love and to do my best to spread it so other tainted hearts may heal as well. It's a choice. Let the pain, suffering, and misfortune tear us down because it's more than a mortal life can handle, or open your heart to something bigger and have faith that this bigger love will guide you through the pain and lead you back to love. After all, those imagined scenes I had of my family, they very well could be God's gift to me. Pleasantries to dance with in my mind. For all I know, if reality had turned out differently maybe it wouldn't really be that happy and satisfying.
I recently read a children's chapter book, Home of the Brave, and the words touched my heart.
Hope is a thing made only for people,
a scrap to hold onto
in darkness and in light.
But hope is hard work.
Hope is hard work. God never promised us it would be easy. This Christmas, like so many other people, I had to hold onto that scrap of hope. But, God provided me with the right people and an abundance of love, and I survived. And, you will too. Just hold tight to the scrap in darkness and in light.
In memory of Miles, I'm going to take you back to the 90s.
How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad
I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever has gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through
If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
And I'll take with me the memory
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday
-Boyz II Men
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