pray. - July: A Jovial Celebration

July 12, 2017, just two days from now, will mark the one year anniversary of my first published blog post. I remember hitting the publish button for the first time and debating for about 30 minutes if I should also hit the share button. It had been such a long time since my writing had been made public. When I quit working at the newspaper, fresh out of college, I took a hiatus. I would write in my journals occasionally, but somewhere along the bumps of life I lost touch with the creative person inside me. I just didn't want to share ME anymore. 

Funny enough, sometime between July 4th and July 17th, Matt and I have no idea the official date, is our "dating anniversary." This month marks seven whole years together. Seven and a half years ago, I was perfectly content with the idea of being single forever, and I didn't so much believe in the union of marriage, however, I did believe in soulmates; I just didn't think I'd be one of the lucky ones to find mine. Turns out, I am one of the lucky ones. And, I did find mine. Seven and a half years ago, I just didn't want to share ME with anyone.

So, here we are in the month of July again, and boy have I shared ME with the world. I've spent some time over the past few years searching for ME, and I'm still digging deep and exploring. I do not think I'll ever stop searching; after all, humans are ever changing, so this search for ME should be as well. 

I've discovered a lot of hard truths about ME. I've uncovered a lot of pleasantries as well. July 2010 propelled this pilgrimage because meeting Matt electrified a light inside me that I didn't know existed. For the first time ever in my life, I wanted to know ME on a much deeper level, because I had an overwhelming desire to share ALL of ME with HIM. You see, I knew I loved him before July 2010. We had been "talking" for awhile, and he always had the right things to say, but not only that, there was this look in his eyes when he looked at me. There are no words to describe this look; he still has it when he looks at me. I can't describe it other than to say it's a Godly presence. This look was made just for Matt to give just to ME. And, this look, this Godly presence, renewed my faith.

I have wrestled with my faith and beliefs forever. It's a never ending wrestling match, but the more I study religions, the more I read about them, the more I talk to people about them, the more I open my heart to them, the more I understand ME. Starting this blog propelled my pilgrimage even farther. This blog has opened some REAL dialogue with folks; it has opened some REAL dialogue with myself, because my number one goal with this blog was to be raw and honest and ME. I'm not so good in conversation sometimes-especially serious and uncomfortable ones-my anxiety takes over my body and thoughts. Writing allows me to communicate my REAL, TRUE, DEEP, HONEST thoughts. It's an outlet for me to be ME.

In this search for ME, life has changed, because I have found life in life. Before, just seven and a half years ago, I was merely going through the motions of life-doing things I thought a good contributing citizen of society should do. The problem is I had tunnel vision. I set a goal, looked straight ahead, and pushed through to the light at the end. And, don't get me wrong, it was rewarding to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. The problem, I've come to realize, is tunnels are dark, pitch black. I had blocked out everything around me and everyone living around me. I had put them into the darkness, so I could selfishly focus on my own light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, I was giving back to society. However, during this time, I could've been giving back to people closest to me. Yes, I was a good friend, daughter, sister, but I wasn't really present. I wasn't taking it all in, because I was so focused to get to the light at the end. Every challenge along the way was just one step closer to the light-nothing more really. It was survival. These things were helping me survive - the light at the end of the tunnel was me surviving. In the moment, I think my heart was always in the right place. I've always wanted to help others, but sometimes you can get too focused on wanting to help others that you get lost in the helping. The helping just becomes a thing to do, so you do it, but you take nothing from it. You don't breathe it in. You don't really live it. You just survive. 

Over the past few years, that dark tunnel I've been trudging through has slowly opened up. Little by little, I've found ME, and in the process, more and more light has illuminated my tunnel. Today, I am not trudging through a dark tunnel; I'm trekking around a luminous sphere, and my peripheral vision improves with each day I'm true to ME. Instead of blocking out pain, hurt, rejection, truth, vulnerability, disappointment, cruelty, wickedness, ignorance, arrogance, grief, embarrassment, betrayal, envy, and all those other "negative" feelings, I've opened my eyes and my heart and allowed light to shine all around them. I've allowed myself to feel, because these emotions are part of life. Life wouldn't exist without them. Not to mention, I wouldn't be able to really live joy, relief, affection, brave, calm, peace, silly, vivacious, humility, accomplished, secure, satisfied, or LOVE without living through the opposites. The storms are just as important as the rainbows. When we bring it ALL together, it creates a balanced and Divine harmony. My OWN harmony. A harmony destined for ME.

To recap-Matt's love and that "look" renewed my faith. This blog mobilized my faith. Both happened in July. On Saturday, I'm going to see Rob Bell speak, and y'all, this man's books and podcast have turned my world upside down! I can not wait to be in a room with with him and hear him speak about life and the Bible and LOVE. And, look, it's happening in July, within the time frame Matt and I started dating, and within the time frame I started this blog. You may not see the connections here, but I do. Matt renewed my faith. This blog mobilized my faith. Rob Bell invigorates my faith. God, a Divine being, is working here, and I am so excited to see what the combustion will look like when it explodes.

One day, I'll sit down and write a blog about my faith and my beliefs. But, I'm not ready to share my beliefs with the world yet, because I'm not sure I understand them enough to put into words. Mostly though, I'm not sure many of you reading this are ready for it. Or, maybe, I'm just not brave enough to put all of ME out there to all of YOU just yet. 

This blog post was supposed to the introduction to a new writing challenge I've decided to take part in. But, when I sat down to write, these are the words that poured out of me. So, there must have been a reason they needed to be put into the universe. You may be the reason, or you may not be, regardless, I'm thankful I've learned to hear the calling.